“You’ve changed,” he said. “For the better. Less angry, I think.”
I knew he was right.
I’d always been known as the feisty one in my family. Stories of my temper tantrums and strong character abound in our family folklore. When my husband asked my father for my hand in marriage, my dad issued a warning: You’re already aware of her strong personality, so no take-backs.
Over the course of our marriage, though, I changed. I take no credit for my softening—it was all God’s doing, of course. With His help, I realized that what Mark Twain says is true:
“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
But the change is nowhere near complete.
As much as I bite my tongue in conversation or keep my temper in check, God is privy to my intentions, too. He knows what’s going through my mind.
Have you ever noticed that we’re a much better version of ourselves around strangers? Even more so around acquaintances. What we’d normally say in an argument at home isn’t so easy to let loose in a room full of people.
God is a chaperone to your thoughts, your intentions, your fears, and your beliefs. He’s there for all of it. Are you happy with what He’s seeing?
If nothing is hidden from God and we trust Him, nothing will be hidden from us. If follow him, we will allow ourselves to be guided by someone who has all the information. For lent, I am committing to trusting him above all others in my life. He knows what’s in my heart. He knows what I truly need. The more I learn about my ego, the more I realize that it does not hold the answers as I must stop turning to it for the truth. I have a great attachment to fear, insecurities, and a need for validation. My ego searches to validate these attachments.
My ego has a very specific idea of what my life should look like. My ego is obsessed with making it so and it creates a great deal of suffering from it. Over time, I have come to discover a deep understanding of God’s plan for me. The acceptance that His plan is wiser than me is beginning to surface and the suffering is not what it once was.
Yes, I prayed. Yes, I believed in God, but my constant anxiety was proof that didn’t believe that I was being taken care of, that God was watching, that there was a plan. This is part of the plan.
It is said that at times God's strange behavior is intended to raise us to a higher level of faith. If I truly believe and practice faith, then I will be guided by trust, not fear. This is when we begin to transform.