I don’t know how to do things with all of my heart anymore. I lost it somewhere along the way. I know I used to because I was completely and unashamedly hopeful of ridiculous dreams when I was a kid, but as I grew up I guess I took disappointments a little too harshly.
I had a relationship with many things outside of me. As I build a relationship with God, I am learning to use things inside of me instead: love, faith, light.
In recent months, I’ve had a few moments of an open heart and open mind to seek God entirely, with my whole heart. Not just half. Not just hoping. The last of my strength, I used it to seek him and rest with him.
Beaten down and despaired, I’ve thrown my hands in the air and said, “Do what you can, I cannot do this without you.” Most have been while crying silently on the bench of a church, at the end of a hospital bed, or knelt down saying my prayers at night.
When I have been blessed with the clarity and courage, I have found an instant miracle, instant peace, instant clarity, and love. So much love. In those moments, I remember that my whole heart is required for the journey, and though I don’t know how to do things with my whole heart anymore, I am on the road to it.